I believe I have a “high-functioning” mental illness.
I’m able to force myself to shower every two to three days. There are a
lot of people I know struggling with mental illness who go a week or
more without showering.
This is
something I have found the rest of the world has trouble understanding.
One I often heard from my own mother was: “Don’t you think you’d feel
better if you showered?” My mental answer was always: In some ways, perhaps. In many ways, no.
There
are many reasons why showering is difficult for me and others with
mental illness, but here’s a short list of the highlights:
1. Standing that long can feel exhausting.
Even if someone is physically in shape, depression
and anxiety can lead to a sort of “slump mode” when expending any
amount of energy feels undoable and doesn’t seem worth the effort. Think
of “Oh, I don’t want to get out of bed to shut the door. I’m comfy
here,” only to an extreme, and all the time, and it takes almost all
the energy you have. Due to this, it can be hard to shower quickly,
which adds to the weight of other items on this list.
2. It’s time alone with thoughts.
This
is something I know I try to avoid, as do many other people with mental
illness. I distract myself during any “down moments” I may have in the
day. I keep myself on my computer or phone or with my nose buried in a
book until I’m exhausted enough to fall right to sleep. No time for
thoughts allowed! In the shower, there is little that is able to
mentally distract a person. Time alone with all of the swirling black
thoughts inside — this can be scary for me.
3. It draws attention to my body.
Maybe
you have self-harm scars you don’t want to think about. Maybe you have
issues with your weight, complexion or the amount of hair that is always
on your legs. Whatever the case, many people have issues with their
bodies, and the intimate time with your body in the shower can be
difficult. It can be hard to take care of something you’re ashamed of,
something that can be triggering. Though this can be a time to learn to
love your body through taking care of it, getting to that point is often
a journey.
4. It only cleans skin deep.
Personally,
I can physically feel the black gunk of depression inside. It’s like
there’s a tar in my chest and down by back. Showering can clean any dirt
away from my skin, but it doesn’t even touch what I really want washed
away. I’ll often stand under the water and imagine the nastiness inside
being washed away, glob by glob, chunk by chunk, broken piece by broken
piece, all going down the drain. I imagine what is left would be pink
and raw, but ready to heal with the poison no longer eating away at it. I
long to actually feel this sensation. But I can’t.
There
are many other reasons why showering may be difficult. Wasting water
makes me feel guilty, the shower makes me feel claustrophobic, I hate
the feeling of my hair being wet, the admission I’m going to have to put
more effort into the day, the list goes on. These four are the most
consistent I’ve come across, but everyone’s experience is different.
Hopefully this can provide a launching point for a conversation of
understanding.
I hope people know that yes, I know showering is a good idea, but this is why it’s hard.
